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Classic movie by John Singleton, who also directed The Godfather. This movie is a coming of age tale. Angela Bassett is a single mother, who takes her son to live with his father (Morpheus) in Compton hoping he will have a better life with his father around him. WRONG. 2 out of 4 of his friends end up killed, one is seriously injured, his father turns out to be a Republican, and his mother runs off to Hollywood to become an actress.

Seriously, Angela ends up starring in this low key, straight to dvd film called How Stella Got Her Groove Back, not many people know about that movie. it’s actually not bad. Quick synopsis, it’s about a lady who used to be a ballet dancer, but gave that up to get married and work in the corporate world. Years later, after her divorce, she travels with her best friend to Jamaica (which for whatever reason is where people go to get their grooves back) meets a guy, falls in love and returns to the stage to avenge her youth.

The Purge, starring the guy that used to be married to The Bride from Kill William Parts 1-7, came out a few days ago and I’m finally breaking hiatus to talk about it. 
    For 12 hours, once a year, crime is 100% legal. I mean, you can steal every bike and skateboard you ever wanted as a child, you can locate and beat the crap out of the bully that tormented you at lunch period in 6th grade, which is good because I’m still mad about the time Randy threw my tater tots in the trash before I finished the last one, the jerk. Sorry. We’re punks here, so we’d just stay in the house cutting the tags off our mattresses or downloading music. The perfect crime. 

Really this is a story all about how your life can get twisted, turned upside down. If you’ll take a minute, and just sit right here, I’ll tell you exactly why this movie deserves an Oscar. You know who else deserves an Oscar, Leo DiCaprio, and there’s no need to argue, just give it to him already. Hell, Marisa Tomei has an Oscar and..yeah let’s just leave it at that. 

Where were we? Yes. The MAN decides that it’s a brilliant idea to have crime be legal for 12 hours, which coincidentally is the length of time we like to sleep on our days off. Nobody dies a violent death, but a few people do get stuck for their paper, and someone attempts to rob a bank but gives up after they see that the doors are locked. Some people have no motivation.
The main victims of this award-winning movie, are one family, the father being the guy mentioned at the beginning of this post. (Scroll up lazy jane, we can’t do everything for you.) He’s got a top of the line security system on the house so nobody can get in after the Purge starts. Somehow though, two unwanted guys get in and one hides, the other has a fight to the death with the father and then some rambunctious kids show up , looking for one of the unwanted visitors. They just want him to come out and play but the father says no, and won’t let him out. 
The kids proceed to break in, havoc is wreaked, I think like one person got cut or something, and the movie ends.

Pretty sure the moral here is that, if crime is legal, you wanna pack up  and head to a small almost uninhabited town for a few days until things blow over. And make sure all your doors are locked or people can somehow still get into your house and go through all your stuff while you look for them.

Snow White

The Queen is Snow’s stepmother and she’s having a mid-life crisis. Every day she needs a mirror to tell her that she’s the prettiest in the land, but Snow is quickly catching up to her in the looks department. She’s also a hell of a lot sweeter, gentler, and probably more intelligent but they never really mention her GPA or anything.

Queen kicks Snow out of the castle, attempts to have her murdered & it doesn’t work, so Snow runs off to go live with some dwarf frat boys she met one time. She ends up doing all of the cooking & cleaning, while they go off to dig for diamonds and sapphires.  Queen finds out she’s still not the hottest lady in the land, Snow’s not dead, and disguises herself to kill her with a poison apple.
Time out, why is it always an apple? Why doesn’t anyone go for a poison orange or something? It’s just so cliché.

The frat is terribly saddened by Snow’s supposed death because, hey, there goes all the free maid service! A prince with a fetish for mostly dead girls shows up, kisses her and she comes back to life.

The end.

Aladdin

A thrilling story about what happens when you take acid in the desert. Awesome songs, and Robin Williams is the genie, doing voices that aren’t obnoxious at this point in his career.

Aladdin is a thief by default, I mean he’s a poor orphan who’s got to get by somehow, and jobs are obviously not available where he’s from, and Jasmine is a princess who doesn’t want to marry a random prince. Understandable, who wants to get hitched to some guy you don’t even know? Jafar, is like the Arabian version of Merlin, but much more evil and his facial hair is even creepier.

So Aladdin has the genie, sort of tricks Jasmine into falling in love with him, Jafar is hating harder than ever, devises a plot to get with Jas and get Al out of the way. It works for a time, but of course things back fire. Jafar ends up trapped in a lamp, and the rest live happily ever after.

Spoiler alert: There’s like 5 more of these things, and they don’t get married until the end of the 5th or whatever. Nobody has THAT much adventure before a wedding, come on seriously? Just take it down to city hall and do the big show some other time.
Moral: Flying Carpets have feelings too.

Beetlejuice

A story of life lessons.

1. if you drive over a tiny country bridge, you will drown. Even though the water is about knee high, and the car doesn’t even become submerged when you crash. Even though you could probably climb out & swim away. No, Tim Burton wants you to die. It makes for an excellent movie.

2. Never call Michael Keaton, unless he’s in a Batman suit. He is not helpful at all. All he’s there for, is jokes, home destruction & to marry your teenage daughter.

3. If all of your friends are interested in the supernatural, thoroughly enjoy being possessed by ghosts & forced to sing songs about working in the sun all day, you’d have to wonder why they wouldn’t believe there were actually ghosts in your home without seeing them.

4. You cannot let your agent tell you that you’re tacky, while his wife stands by in a gold lame’ jumpsuit, and don’t say anything in response.

5. If you get an A on your math test, you get to dance calypso in the air.

Pretty Woman

Guy can’t drive expensive car with stick shift.  Girl can and does so he pays for a week of companionship wink wink (she’s a prostitute). The perpetually short and mostly bald guy from Seinfeld is his best friend, and notices a change, finds out she’s a prostitute and predictably shows his sleaze ball side.

The Guy saves her, she’s like hey this won’t work, and leaves. He goes after her and they live happily ever after. They don’t really say, but both actors (Julia Roberts & Richard Gere) have had pretty successful film careers, and Julia’s still got red hair, so I’d hazard a guess that everything’s alright.

I guess we should pause here to explain something.

Hi, we are your Totally Reliable Source for reviews of any movie, book, or album you’d like to know about.

We’re starting with movies because those are the most fun. If there’s something you haven’t seen, and aren’t sure you want to see…feel free to Google it, or ask us. We’ve probably seen it or heard of it, and can draw an opinion on it.

Everything here is 100% truthful, according to us.

We hope you enjoy our posts, as we enjoy posting them.

Many thanks,

TRS

Scarface

Al Pacino & his partner got their money up, so now they can re-up. (Always wanted to use that in some fashion.)

This is a movie about cocaine, murder, standing up for what you believe in, friends, and how Florida is simply the best place to settle if you want to live that good gangster life.
Michelle Pfieffer looks great and ends up doing a wonderful job as Catwoman years later. Unfortunately she also signs on to do Grease 2 which is simply awful. Dangerous Minds too, she spends an entire year in a Member’s Only jacket teaching inner city kids that they are better than their surroundings or something. Coolie totally butchers a Stevie Wonder song.

Scarface is pretty much a movie you have to see if you’re a rapper or want to be one.

Stepbrothers

Plot: Two lazy 40 year old guys live with their mother and father respectively. Mom and Dad are doctors, meet on a business trip, fall in love, get married the next weekend and move into the father’s house.

Havoc is wreaked, a lot of cursing and funny stuff goes down. Everything ends well, nobody gets an unhappy ending, except the two gents beat up some children that had been bullying one of them for years. No explanation…won’t even try.

Starring Will Ferrell and a guy that looks like Will Ferrell but isn’t as funny or curly-headed.

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